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－從《金鐘54好戲》透視我們與「家」的距離 #溝通篇

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喬安和昭國在與天晴的學校，和老師討論天晴的狀況後後，出現了這段對話
昭國：「你為什麼不跟老師說實話」
喬安：「要說什麼實話？」「這群人還真夠閒的哦！不用上班，開群組，討論人家八卦」
昭國：「現在不是八卦的問題，是女兒的問題」「天晴跟老師相處的時間都比我們兩個加起來多」「你不跟老師說實話老師怎麼幫我們」
喬安：「天晴的事情我自己會處理」
昭國：「你要怎麼處理？你滿腦子都是工作，你情緒也沒辦法控制，女兒的事情你可以處理嗎？」（註解1：開始攻擊對方沒有照顧女兒、情緒自我控制的能力）
喬安：「對！劉昭國，你最公私分明了，會跟員工談戀愛，會處理你自己的情緒，還會幫那些加害者討回公道，廢除死刑，你最了不起了」（註解2：繼續攻擊回去並且再加強攻擊對方外遇）
昭國：「宋喬安，天彥也是我兒子，他走了我跟你一樣難過，但如果不是你天天擺臭臉給我看的話，我有必要睡公司嗎？」「再說我跟那女員工的事情我說過多少次了，還不夠嗎？」（似乎在反駁自己睡公司的理由，但仍舊在攻擊對方擺臭臉）
喬安快走離開（喬安再也受不了並逃離對話）
昭國追上前說：「我們可不可以理性一點就談事情，談李曉明的事情」

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戰與逃理論是1929由美國生理學家Walter Cannon所創建。他發現動物面臨可能的危險時，經一系列的神經和腺體反應將被引發刺激，使我們能做好攻擊或者逃跑的準備。這樣的功能使我們的祖先在原古時代，能隨時做好戰鬥或逃跑的準備，以確保我們能生存下去。但生活在衣食皆富饒的現代文明社會裡，這項功能在人際關係經營上，則可能造成負面影響。

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關係是雙方長久「互動」出來的結果

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　在整部戲中，喬安看似是較無法控制情緒的問題角色。但由上述的對話中我們發現，昭國在對話中首先使用了攻擊式的語言（註解1），喬安感到被攻擊後，反擊昭國的外遇事件（註解2）。這樣一來一往的攻擊，不但偏離了原本的溝通主軸，更傷害了彼此的自尊。

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　戲中似乎看起來很理性的昭國，經過分析後，我們發現昭國在對話時其實也沒有那麼的「理性」。兩人由原本想要探討女兒天晴的問題，轉而爭吵李曉明的事情。最後，喬安受不了如此緊張的氣氛而離開現場，成了溝通模式中的逃避者。

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　其實，當兩人都處在充滿情緒的狀態，雙方無法聚焦在同一件事情上好好地聆聽與溝通！很多時候，爭吵只為了保留自己的顏面，透過攻擊來保護自己的自尊。當彼此的溝通模式只剩下「攻擊」與「逃避」，無法實際解決問題，久而久之，就很容易一直在為同一件事情吵架。吵架所帶來的負面情緒累積久了，會耗損親密關係，消磨感情，造成相處品質不佳，讓人覺得在關係裡不快樂。

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在關係中，如何理性溝通？

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　在一段關係中，每個人都有自己慣用的應對模式。不管是習慣戰鬥還是逃跑，或是兩種模式輪替出現。這些模式都沒有對與錯、好與壞。重要的是：我們能不能退後一步來看，試著停下來、跳開這個既有的模式，好好看看自己與對方的內在需求。

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　雙方約定好彼此情緒冷靜的時間，例如我們可以試著說：「我現在覺得很焦慮，可不可以給我十分鐘冷靜，冷靜過後我們再來談」。當我們再次回到對話中，盡可能地避免前一次的攻擊語言，以減少再次激化彼此情緒的機會。

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先解決情緒，再處理事情

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　 我們處在不同的情緒狀態，會影響我們產生不同的行為，如果我們在關係中能試著協助彼此調整「情緒」，在原本固著、僵化的行為模式中做出不一樣的反應，讓彼此都能感受到一些改變，再深入探討問題，就能有比較多的對話空間唷！先解決彼此當下不舒服的情緒，再深入討論彼此在意的問題，讓我們一起練習「先解決情緒，再處理事情」。

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延伸閱讀：好難溝通怎麼辦？
延伸閱讀： 如何說清楚自己的情緒？

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本文受親子天下邀稿共同刊登： 從金鐘好戲《與惡》透視我們與溝通的距離：爭吵是為了自尊，還是為了解決問題？

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文／雞湯來了王韻捷
校稿／雞湯來了張芷晴、韓文起
製圖／雞湯來了黃珮甄
編輯／雞湯來了蕭子喬
參考資料
危芷芬譯（2015）。心理學導論（原作者：SUSAN NOLEN-HOEKSEMA, BARBARA L. FREDRICKSON, GEOFFREY R. LOFTUS, CHRISTEL LUTZ）。台北：雙葉書廊。

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文章來源：雞湯來了

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